From the Book - First Gallery Books hardcover edition.
Section one, in which I try really hard to be a good kid for my parents, miss out on a normal youth because I was fat, and then date someone who sucks. Bless you, Brendan Fraser ; Too many servings of ketchup ; Exactly the woman I thought I'd be when I grew up ; How to use your parents' divorce to get kicked out of gym class ; "I'm difficult"
Sally Albright (but really Nora Ephron) ; The tyranny of great expectations ; What I wouldn't give to be a teen in a Coke ad ; Things I want my little sisters to know, which I will write here since they aren't texting me back right now ; The idea is to look like an idiot ; How to hate yourself enough that men will like you (but not so much that they'll be turned off)
Section two, in which I try really hard to impress shitty men, discover Skinnygirl piña colada mix, and learn how to do eye makeup. One time I listened to the Sara Bareilles song "Brave" to work up the courage to ask a guy out (I'm embarrassed for me too) ; Everything I've ever done to impress men (and how successful each was) ; Cracking open an ice-cold Bud Light ; I'm not doing Zumba with you ; Good coffee and why Pierce Brosnan's voice in Mamma Mia! is perfectly fine ; I'm pretty sure my insatiable capacity for desire stems from the Scholastic book fair ; Everyone I've ever wanted to like me ; The greatest joy on earth is getting ready to go out ; Adventures at a lesser Marriott
Section three, in which I get very tired of trying so hard, realize I was wrong about almost everything, and save my boyfriend's life. Kirkwood, Missouri ; The internet made me a better person ; Imaginary dinner party ; Not to be cliché, but I'm going to talk about my vagina (and tits) ; There were two different songs called "Miss Independent" in the 2000s. Why is no one talking about this? ; How exactly to be likeable ; Sorry, Dove, but I am never going to love my body ; How to be the life of the party is 28 easy steps ; I check to make sure my boyfriend is still breathing when he's sleeping ; A short letter to responsible people ; Riding shotgun with my hair undone in the front seat of Margaux's truck.